Dear Sirs
I am writing to complain about your new software and the multitude of
problems it has caused me. At first, I was pleased with the free upgrade
I received last year from GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0. However, I think
I must have installed the wrong version because when the intro screen
came up it said Fiancee 1.0, which confuses me because I didn't think I
installed that version and I know I didn't order that product.
Yesterday, I received a further free upgrade from Fiancee 1.0 to Wife1.0 and
I have to say, its a real system hog. It has consumed all CPU bandwidth,
memory and cache resources. Furthermore, I found out today that
Wife1.0 must be up and running before I can do anything else with the
system. Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw
which are difficult to use and often blow up without warning, which causes
Wife 1.0 to blow up also. Overall, the whole system seems highly unstable.
I then tried to uninstall Wife1.0 but there doesn't seem to be an installshield
for it. Then I tried to delete things by hand, now whenever I turn my
system on, it automatically boots Lawyer1.0. Since this was very annoying,
I then tried to reinstall Wife1.0 to fix the Lawyer problem, but it seems that
the product can only be installed once.
If you continue to market this kind of product, here are some useful features
I'd like to see in upcoming versions:
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- A quick minimize button
- A button to disable the audio
- A cleanup button
- A version that doesn't support multiple inheritance. Mine seemed to
multiply quickly after installation even though I disabled the
'new' member functions.
- Shutdown feature - An installshield feature so that Wife1.0 can
be completely un-installed if so desired (so you don't lose cache and
other objects)
Also, don't try running Wife1.0 with Girlfriend 0.9 still installed,
since they crap out with multiple I/O port conflicts and the audio
is turned on full volume.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files
before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
because it can't find sufficient resources.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their
adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg,
hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard
into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit
my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were
battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...," said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."
The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
20 Can't stick their heads out of Windows XP.
19 Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18 Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17 Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16 Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15 Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14 Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13 Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12 Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11 Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-
wagging.
10 Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft
Opposable Thumb.
9 Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7 Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition
software.
6 SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5 SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the
question!
4 Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3 Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2 Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat
rooms.
1 TrO{gO DsA mM,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqs,. *
* 1 Too Darn Hard To Type With Paws.
Dear Son,
I am writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most
accidents happened within twenty miles of home, so we moved thirty miles
away. I won't be able to send you the address cause the last family
that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they
wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in
it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice
this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut
them off and put them in the pocket.
About your father--he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under
him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
About your sister--she had a baby this morning. I don't know whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving
and the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down
the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get
the tailgate down.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off, so he drowned. We had him cremated. He
burned for three days.
Not much news this time, nothing much happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already
sealed.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"
"I don't have it Father. I was just reading that the Pope has it."
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to
enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed, one in each of their pints, and
were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if
nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over
the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an
embarrassing problem: "I pass gas all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're
soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've
pass gas no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a
day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office:
"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is
worse!
I'm passing gas just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they
smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly.
"Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
A Texan wanted to go ice fishing. He'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools"
together, he made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning his
comfy footstool, he started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER
THE ICE!" Startled, the Texan moved further down the ice, poured a
Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the
heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Texan, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of
the ice, sat up his stool, and tried again to cut his hole. The voice
came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
He stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you LORD?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Arena Manager!"
